Hamish McTavish. 19 October 2026.
Hearts got gubbed 7-1 at Celtic Park an Wouter Vrancken pits it doon tae "individual mistakes", which is the man wha picked the eleven blamin the eleven for turnin up.
Kheredine Idessane askit him twice whit he'd change if he played it again, an twice he telt him they'd tae defend better, which is the fire brigade tellin ye the hoose burnt doon on account o a flame. The Sportsound pundits were "dumbfounded". Dinnae be. Every faither in Scotland has explained a result tae a livin room. Ye get a wee nod an a lecture on the wind.
"You can't do too much actually." Aye, son, ye could. Ye could pick eleven wha've never met a mistake. Or a corner. Hearts lost twa goals fae Celtic's first three set-pieces, a ratio even the Co-op wid hae a wee word aboot.
Here's the bit that'll gie ye a sair heid. Hearts had mair possession, 52.1% tae 47.9%. Mair shots, 20 tae 18. Mair passes, 529 tae 485. They wan the possession, the shots, the passes an the wee table in the corner o the screen. They lost the fitba match.
Sit doon, Wouter. We'll tak it slow. Ye telt the cameras ye're "not going to kill the players". That's a gentle hert on ye. Noo, how are the corners makin ye feel? Tell them. They've been comin at ye for ninety minutes an naebody's askit.
Tierney at seven minutes. Nygren at ten. Osmand at thirty-six an thirty-eight, on his first Celtic start, jist tae show the lad a warm welcome. Mendy pit a braw curler in for Hearts at forty-one an Celtic took that as a challenge. Then at 45+1 Kingsley tried tae clear aff the line, it hit McCart, an the ba "rolled apologetically in".
Apologetically. The only thing at Celtic Park that said sorry.
By the fiftieth minute Hearts had conceded six, an by full-time the gaffer had inspected his ain tactics an fund them innocent. The momentum "melted within the first 10 minutes", the BBC says. Ah'd say it left early, wi its coat, tae beat the traffic.
A few months back thae same Hearts were wan result fae their first title in sixty year. Noo they're third, an the gaffer's explanation fits on the back o a bus ticket wi room left for the fare.
Martin O'Neill wis kind. "It was just a bad day for them." Aye. Seven bad days, heapit intae wan afternoon, an him wi a front-row seat for the lot. He reckons four points is "absolutely nothing", the kind o thing a champion says when he's checked ye're no listenin.
Andy Halliday played for Hearts an disnae think Vrancken's the type tae change onything. Halliday's been in that dressin room. He kens the weather in it.
Scottish fitba, ma first love, ma one true sorrow: the only game whaur the winners bide modest, the losers turn philosopher, an the philosopher's answer tae seven goals is that it wis the goals' fault.
Still, the BBC found a crumb o comfort. Celtic fell short o the 7-0 they hung on Tynecastle in 2013. Somebody in Parkhead is gettin a stern word aboot that wan goal.